by Jim Bishop

One might think (don't believe all you think) in this ever-changing world in which we live in, that one of the Big Kahuna, bottom-line problems staring persons like yours truly in the eyes is that unrelenting weekly deadline.

Week after week, like a blip on my radar screen, that dreaded moment arrives when procrastination no longer works and it's time to bite the bullet and deliver the goods - electronically - to my patient, longsuffering editor.

Hey, writing is easy, folks.

Each week, right here in the Friendly City, I squint through a glass darkly at the computer screen, until the dreaded writer's block impairs my vision, and beads of blood appear on my forehead. I feel like I'm up the north fork of the Shenandoah river without a paddle, if you get my drift.

Like a bedridden shoplifter, taking things lying down, I rise to the occasion and try, try again to think outside the box.

Then, the first thing you know - other than "Old Jed's a millionaire" - I start lifting material from the department of redundancy department, not difficult when I've faced this task 52 times a year for more than 14 years.

It's more fun than a barrel of agitated rattlesnakes.

But, eventually, I grab the bull by the horns, get down to brass tacks, grapple with the issues, nail some Jello to the wall and lay things on the line. Alas, I often wind up beating around the bush, getting madder than a junkyard dog who swallowed some aluminum scraps and became the only armored cur in town.

Had I been born at a younger age, I might have become a composer of 1950s pop music. Check out these hits up to my pits that consisted of a phrase or one verse, i.e., the Royal Teens' "Short Shorts," "Tutti-Frutti" or "Keep a Knockin'" by Little Richard, "How the Time Flies" by Jerry Wallace or "Ne-Ne-Na-Na-Na-Na-Nu-Nu" by Dickie Do and the Don'ts (would I kid you?).

The magic formula: one simple verse and/or chorus followed by a three-chord instrumental bridge, then the phrase or verse repeated and another instrumental refrain to a slow fade - in two minutes or less. Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Speaking of formulas, sooner or later, probably sooner, a software program will be created that will allow me to enter a topic into the computer and up pops the text of a completed news release or column, thus illustrating the phrase that pays (very poorly), "Garbage in, garbage out" - but at least business will be picking up (always at your disposal).

I've told myself a million times not to exaggerate here, but neither do I want to straddle the fence, side-step the issue nor throw the baby out with the bathwater (or drive a baby buggy by tickling his feet).

I also know that I've (mis)treated this topic before. It's deja vu all over again, so please Berra with me.

I'm being as honest as the day is long when I state my honorable intentions to take this to the next level, which can mean different strokes for different folks, depending on where one starts - preferably somewhere near the beginning.

Ah, life as a wordsmith - don't try this at home, or don't leave home without your dictionary, a guide to the spelling of words which usually doesn't help if you don't know how to spell the word you're looking up.

One more thing: always eschew loquacious verbosity, and you can (mis)quote me on that.

Know what I'm saying?

Jim (Obfuscation R-Us) Bishop is public information officer at Eastern Mennonite University, Harrisonburg, Va. (from Jim’s weekly column, The Bishop’s Mantle in the Harrisonburg Daily News-Record.